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There are vast numbers of articles and books dealing with loneliness. It’s an odd epidemic. We are more connected than ever. We have “friends” on social media with whom we can connect anytime. And yet, even young folks are lonely. It’s as if we all walk around with our favorite snack in our pockets. We can have a snack whenever we want but miss having a real meal. We can have immediate gratification without effort. Why bother making real friends when ersatz ones are as close as our cellphones?

One thing missing from the discussions is loneliness can have real value. Intense solitude, even when unwelcome, can be a valuable time for learning, if we allow it to be.

After the death of my wife I was overwhelmed with loneliness. Caring for her had been the focus of my days, all else was secondary. When she died it felt as if my reason for existence was severed. For months I managed to teach my classes, buy groceries, cook meals, and that was it. Nothing really penetrated the heavy blanket of grief and loneliness.

Thankfully, I had two people who meant everything. My brother called very frequently to check on me, my closest friend called and wrote. Their voices were critically important even from the distance of Denver and New York. Shmooie needed walking and Harvey the cat frequently snuggled up to try to drive away my sadness.

Obviously none of us choose to go through such but it also forces us to deal with the depths of who we are. It strips away the shell we build up as we conduct our lives. We often go through our days on autopilot. We have standard responses and routine. But, when we are confronted with our deepest selves without our armor, we have a choice. We can surrender to despair or we can identify our foundational beliefs and begin to build a new, stronger self on the ruins of our former self.

Loneliness is, like love, an emotional experience that is all consuming. It fills every moment, a constant reality coloring all experience. The cure for loneliness is not to immerse oneself in a crowd, to fill days and nights with activities and other people. Loneliness is an existential experience that cannot be alleviated by simple human contact. Loneliness fades when souls meet souls, when some precious ones care for us so much they let their own guards down and insist on loving us in the midst of our difficulty.

If we are fortunate we have those whose love allows us to finally accept our wounds and place them aside, still present but no longer engulfing every moment. Then we can be dragged out of the depths and back into life.

There are simple truths to be found in disappointment and disaster. Getting to know oneself on a very deep level is unbelievably valuable and we do need those very special people who walk with us no matter how difficult the journey.